Back in Kabul

Over the past few weeks of being back in Kabul, I have received the same question over and over again, from people here and from people back home and from people god knows where in the world: "How is to be back in Kabul?"

I tend to answer with "difficult". Somtimes "weird". Sometimes I even get a bit more positive and get a "not too bad" out of my mouth.

All in all, seriously, it is not too bad to be back, largely because of the fact that I have decided to leave soon, towards the beginning of December. But saying that it feels good to be back would nonetheless be an exaggeration. After all what happened, I don't think that I can ever again travel to streets of Kabul with the same enthusiasm that I had before August 13th. Leave alone travelling through the country side. The simple thought of it makes me shiver.



There are good and bad sides to being back. The good side is that I could see few people again I really care about. The other good side is that I managed to spend a weekend in Hirat, which came close to a mini holiday with some work attached to it. It also feels good to see my staff members again, and to slowly work with them on restarting programs. I am also quite happy about the pomagranat juice which is sold in all coffees and restaurants these days. And to further increase my inner balance, I have resumed my yoga classes. Though not balanced yet entirely, I at least don't have to feel guilty any longer at night for not moving my lazy bones at all...

But there are also many things that make it difficult to be back here. One of them is the lack of freedom, which I notice much more now than I ever did before. For instance in this very right moment, I am stuck in the office because of an abduction alert, with the consequence that we expats are only allowed to travel in convoy which again means that I have to get three other workaholics away from the internetlifeline in our office (IRC does not grant us internet in the guesthouses...) in order to get moving. I know few internationals here in Kabul who frankly give a sh** about security, and think they are free. Personally, I don't think driving a bike in Kabul or walking through the streets would make me any more free. The bubble we live in doesn't burst just because of that. And we are not less observed or less foreign just because we put on local dresses. But anyhow, that's just my opinion.



Lack of freedom is just one thing that makes it tough staying here. Many other reasons exist as well. Not that I am eager to paint an all to negative picture of my mental state. I still enjoy being here, but, as mentioned earlier on, partly because I know that I am leaving soon. Some might ask, why bother coming back at all? There are simple answers to that: I would hate not being able to say proper good bye to people I care about, I would hate to leave my work unfinished, and it would be extremely difficult for me move back to Italy without any buffer and preparation time in between. Being back here for two more months after all gives me the time to think about what I really want. For the time being, thats many things. Travelling, endless trekking, maybe a bit of studying, maybe working again wiht NGOs, maybe changing career, maybe spending some time in paris, maybe x hundred. I am not really desperate about my future. If there is one thing I have learned over the past few years in Somaliland and Afghanistan, than that there is always a way out and foward, no matter how impossible it seems in the moment :)